Scars from the Past (#1)

Lately I've been tired of trying. I've been very fed up and irascible. I get agnered
when someone says I don't do something right when I think I did it right or took
pride in how I did it because it was new for me. I think I'm starting to hate my
family for them being themselves. I get angered when they leave work for me to do
then judge it and implying it wasn't good enough or they would do it better. They
treat me like I'm a handicap in a nursing home. Here's a little heart to heart: When
I was younger I was so used to my mom and older sister doing everything for
themselves and for me. I remember when I was making oatmeal once and my mom came in
to help. Everything I did was wrong. When I got tired of her disapproving remarks I
started to lose interest and wanted to leave. She didn't let me. I had to stay there
while she told me how to make the food that I was going to eat, not letting me make
my own mistakes and suffer the consequences. I would've rather eaten food that
tastes like dirt than have her teach me something like that again. Sad to stay I'm
still very much like that. I have been scarred from my early years to think that
nothing I do would ever be enough for anyone else to appreciate, so I stopped trying
to please them. I stopped doing what they expected and now I have to bear the lazy
comments. It's easier to be lazy than to have your pride and self-esteem chipped
away by a bulldozer every day of your life. I wish they didn't judge me like they
do. I wish I was not so insecure. When I was younger I used to sing a lot of songs I
liked however loud I wanted to. My sister told me I sounded badly and that really
hurt me. I know I'm no Aretha Franklin or anything, but I wanted to sing how I felt
and what I wanted to sing. From then on, I only sing in private or so quietly that
no one else can hear and make any of the same comments. I'm singing (I know I can't
sing). I stay in one room and play the music out loud instead of using earphones
because I don't want anyone to say how bad my voice is which I already know; I just
want to sing! When someone wanders into the room, I either shut up instantly of
relocate myself just in case. Dancing is similar, but less impacting. I kinda lik
dancing and doing it makes me kinda tingly. I used to be insecure about it as well,
but hiding it behind exercise helped my family not to think it was odd, which made
them no think it was worth commenting (negative comments). I can run and dance and
contort myslef however I want without them interjecting some rude comment, but still
I prefer to do it in private, where I'm sure absolutely no one can say anyhting mean
to me about it. That brings me to the issue of being a loner and anti-social. Their
comments is one of the reasons I am so insecure.


Back to the reason I began writing this, how I feel now. There's so little I feel I
can do or that I feel I have control over. I feel as if I do anything at all I will
hate it. I feel that f I speak out, I'll be met with angry words and if I don't I
get angry at myself. Every comment I hear I find some way to twist it and make me
feel horrible. When I have something on my mind that I want to get off it I can't
just not think about it. It eats away at me until the situation is resolved, I am
greatly distracted or another comes up. I am very grateful to the internet teaching
me so many lesson and for telling me that I'm not alone. Still I'm missing that
voice to tell me it will be alright and that touch to acertain that.


I feel powerless, weak and useless; like my life has no purpose of it's own. There's
always someone here to tell me how bad I did or how much I could've done better. I
am insecure, anti-social, scared, vain and just plain messed up. I am Raheem, and
these are the scars of my past.