Scars from the Past (#1)

Lately I've been tired of trying. I've been very fed up and irascible. I get agnered
when someone says I don't do something right when I think I did it right or took
pride in how I did it because it was new for me. I think I'm starting to hate my
family for them being themselves. I get angered when they leave work for me to do
then judge it and implying it wasn't good enough or they would do it better. They
treat me like I'm a handicap in a nursing home. Here's a little heart to heart: When
I was younger I was so used to my mom and older sister doing everything for
themselves and for me. I remember when I was making oatmeal once and my mom came in
to help. Everything I did was wrong. When I got tired of her disapproving remarks I
started to lose interest and wanted to leave. She didn't let me. I had to stay there
while she told me how to make the food that I was going to eat, not letting me make
my own mistakes and suffer the consequences. I would've rather eaten food that
tastes like dirt than have her teach me something like that again. Sad to stay I'm
still very much like that. I have been scarred from my early years to think that
nothing I do would ever be enough for anyone else to appreciate, so I stopped trying
to please them. I stopped doing what they expected and now I have to bear the lazy
comments. It's easier to be lazy than to have your pride and self-esteem chipped
away by a bulldozer every day of your life. I wish they didn't judge me like they
do. I wish I was not so insecure. When I was younger I used to sing a lot of songs I
liked however loud I wanted to. My sister told me I sounded badly and that really
hurt me. I know I'm no Aretha Franklin or anything, but I wanted to sing how I felt
and what I wanted to sing. From then on, I only sing in private or so quietly that
no one else can hear and make any of the same comments. I'm singing (I know I can't
sing). I stay in one room and play the music out loud instead of using earphones
because I don't want anyone to say how bad my voice is which I already know; I just
want to sing! When someone wanders into the room, I either shut up instantly of
relocate myself just in case. Dancing is similar, but less impacting. I kinda lik
dancing and doing it makes me kinda tingly. I used to be insecure about it as well,
but hiding it behind exercise helped my family not to think it was odd, which made
them no think it was worth commenting (negative comments). I can run and dance and
contort myslef however I want without them interjecting some rude comment, but still
I prefer to do it in private, where I'm sure absolutely no one can say anyhting mean
to me about it. That brings me to the issue of being a loner and anti-social. Their
comments is one of the reasons I am so insecure.


Back to the reason I began writing this, how I feel now. There's so little I feel I
can do or that I feel I have control over. I feel as if I do anything at all I will
hate it. I feel that f I speak out, I'll be met with angry words and if I don't I
get angry at myself. Every comment I hear I find some way to twist it and make me
feel horrible. When I have something on my mind that I want to get off it I can't
just not think about it. It eats away at me until the situation is resolved, I am
greatly distracted or another comes up. I am very grateful to the internet teaching
me so many lesson and for telling me that I'm not alone. Still I'm missing that
voice to tell me it will be alright and that touch to acertain that.


I feel powerless, weak and useless; like my life has no purpose of it's own. There's
always someone here to tell me how bad I did or how much I could've done better. I
am insecure, anti-social, scared, vain and just plain messed up. I am Raheem, and
these are the scars of my past.

Dilemma

I have a choice to date a girl. At first I denied it completely. Then I considered what would happen if I did. My friends wouldn't alienate me as usual. My name wouldn't have that horrible air around school. I was planning to be president of a club and I may get more respect no longer seen as someone to hate. Then I think, i would be lieing to myself and using her. It's not what I want to do, but it's what I have to do for now. Tatu - Craving describes my situation exactly.

Months

Months in pain, sorrow and lonliness. I have cried but only on the inside. Poems made to express myslef because there was no one to listen. I have been publicized and alienated. I have alienated myself from them to protect myself. Alone.

The Angels of My Song

My master, my king, angel of my song,
I know that you have waited far too long,
For this war to be over
And you to have won,
But do not lose hope,
Keep singing your song
And by the end of your melody
You will have won;
Victorious, valiant, bold and strong.

Time and time again, yes you have failed,
Doubtful of your song, your enemies regaled.
The day will come and them proven wrong
No longer doubting the angel of my song.
So don't lose hope,
Keep sining your song,
By the end of your melody,
You will have won.

The time is right so make your move,
You have much to gain and little to lose,
You have been singing for years so long
And now is the time for all to hear your song;
But at the top of the world, mighty and strong,
Do not forget those, the angels of your song.

Enjoying a Tuesday as a kid

Things I did today I either have never done before or haven't done in a long time:
1. Filed my nails (long time)
2. Went outside and walked around (long time)
3. Criss-crossed across the road as I walked (never)
4. Aggravate a dog that could bite me to death (never)
5. Watch 2 cats have sex till the female ran off (never)
6. Played with stones and sand (long time)
7. Jump in a mound of sand three times (long time)
8. Dance in the shower with clothes on as I washed my feet that were covered in sand (never)

Dreams of August 2, 2009

I was at the beach with a friend. Then she goes off to talk to a guy. A guy comes over to me and we start talking. My friend calls me over to ask me if I think a guy that had passed by was cute. I said that I couldn't answer because the guys I was talking to knew the question and I assumed him straight. She realises and say ok and we both go back to our guys.
A powerpuffgirl song starts playing and I sing along. The guy I was with was surprised to hear me singing it and he laughed; so did I.
I see my cousin and teacher discussing something in a book about classes.
I see a group of girls (about 4) quarreling. One girl was angry at how her friend, Ape, had changed. She said that they hadn't been close since... and I interrupt and say "primary school". The girl looks over at me wondering how I knew that. Then Ape and her 2 other friends go into a store and the girl starts crying. I grab her and tell her, "she's changed and so have you". I tell her that there's someone out there who's perfect for the new her.
I find myself lying flat on the ground with her sitting atop me still crying. I ask her if her friend's name was really Ape, she replied yes and we both laughed. After a while she calms down and stops crying. Then, before another store, a friend emereges and another arriving, both assuming that we are having sex. They were both laughing. Then they saw that we wern't and left disaapointed. The girl and I laughed.
The girl goes into the store and I see someone I like running. I go into the store and tell her (who had become a boy) that I'm going running for a special reason.